Beginnings

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The sound of my mother’s singing and piano filled my ears from before birth throughout my childhood. And both parents played recorded music several times a week. I developed a very strong affinity for music very early in my life. My mother wanted to be a professional opera singer. Despite her special vocal talent, my mother was later found out and diagnosed to have a complex of significant mental health challenges. She struggled with self-esteem and avoided taking responsibilities in most situations. She was quick to judge and share opinions often without much thought. She harbored contempt, jealousy. and never seemed to be happy with anything. And I remember her constantly making promises to me that were always broken.

My father was deeply supportive of my mother’s musical dreams to become an opera star and poured much of his earnings into singing lessons to support her opera star pursuit. He was physically challenged by Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA), a deeply debilitating genetic neuro-muscular disease. Nevertheless, he pursued owning a business, first as a metal broker and later selling vehicle conversions for handicapped drivers and passengers. When I was age 7, he had an accident, breaking his leg. With his disease, this accident confined him to a wheelchair for the next 26 years of his life as SMA slowly deteriorated the neuro-control he had from his lower back and thighs. He required skilled nursing care at home.

My mom took little responsibility for my father's care other than conditioning me to provide this care exclusively, as my top priority for the next 11 years. Both parents communicated to me directly that my primary purpose in life was taking care of them until I graduated high school. Second to that was getting through school. My dad made pursuing football a priority instead of that sissy music stuff.  My mother would augment my nursing care responsibilities with overloads of domestic responsibilities at home, cooking, gardening, housekeeping. My mom was basically trying to assume the diva role as she won an audition to perform with the main local opera company. After many decades, I now understand how most of her behavioral quirks were a serious narcissistic disorder. Both she and my father began to consistently discourage my musical affinities as I was approaching my adolescence. In fact, my mother communicated to me that she was highly concerned about my presence among her musical connections revealing her advancing age and so she and my father began making it very clear they did not want me to pursue music despite my strong affinities. And my mother wanted me nowhere near her musical life.
 

A Conflicted Childhood with Music

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Pursuing music was very much discouraged from both my parents. My mother had no patience or desire to share her musical skills. I received many reasons not to pursue music sourced in fears from both my parents. My mother mentioned pursuing my early musical prowess would lead to difficult paths. Both my parents stated directly to me they were serious about stifling my musical development. I had to set a boundary with the family I grew up with. Therapy led me to relive many chapters of abuse from my childhood. I now see these chapters with different awareness. Before therapy, I was so unaware of how I had been conditioned, gaslighted and bullied in many scenarios. These personal revelations have been a challenge for me to process.

 

After Leaving Home

After graduating high school, I left home to pursue college at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA. There were several reasons I chose Lehigh, but one my parents were fond of was that, at the time, Lehigh had no degree program in music, something they both feared me pursuing. I had very high marks in mathematics and that’s where they felt I should make my hay. I pursued mathematics and statistics. But I also I joined Lehigh’s Glee Club, took voice lessons, music theory and began collaborating/jamming with other musicians. I was safe from my parents’ discouragement. My instrumental skills were behind, but enough with my voice to carry me into some meaningful collaborative musical pursuits with musicians/bands. It was at that time I began to write lyrics with ideas connected to songs. It was back in my late teens I began dreaming I would someday learn to write songs.
 

​There were setbacks in my family that prevented me from finishing college along with my musical endeavors at Lehigh. Financial resources disappeared. My parents were going broke and divorcing. I basically understood that I would be personally and financially responsible for any continuing education I achieved. I worked in retail management and started paying to finish my bachelor’s degree at the University of Washington, which I finally did 8 years after I left Lehigh. This allowed for more professional career choices, first as an actuary and later as a data engineer. With new career pursuits, marriage and children, my musical pursuits went dormant for the next 15 years. The musical thoughts were still there but going nowhere.

 
Reconnecting With Music

With the turn of the millennium, I reconnected with singing by auditioning for the Kirkland Choral Society, a top community choral group in the Pacific Northwest. In the next 20 years, my singing blossomed to a semiprofessional singing pursuit with some paid solo and small ensemble work which I truly developed a passion for. Many years later, I got involved with a contemporary acapella group at work. It was so much fun for a couple of years and my passions for this musical genre went into overdrive. The group and the friendships I felt from being together 2-3 times a week in rehearsal/performances were incredibly connecting and wonderful as a hobby in my work life balance. But leaders became biased to younger singers and resorted to gaslighting and spreading untruthful rumors about me. I had to quit the group. I was bewildered and seriously traumatized. I was simultaneously experiencing trauma from drama in my own family surrounding my mother and other relatives.
 

​Complex trauma patterns from my youth were retriggered and deeply debilitating. In my youth, I became so conditioned to ignore belligerent judgement and gaslighting. I needed therapy to untangle the psychological assault I was under. I didn't know how to be angry because I was conditioned and not allowed to be angry in my original family. My thoughts were consumed with the trauma for several hours a day.  I pursued therapy, transcendental meditation and set necessary boundaries with the old family and the old singing group. These boundaries have been emotionally difficult. From my mental health providers, I received diagnoses of childhood trauma from parental narcissistic abuse, Complex-PTSD was retriggered from the trauma events in early 2019 and derivative symptoms of anxiety and depression. Medication, meditation and therapy have played key roles in my recovery. Being transparent about my story is important because my afflictions are very invisible. In my life, I cannot remember having any meaningful significant conversations with my mother and that troubles me in personal situations. Situations like this are difficult to explain. I had no real understanding of my mother's mental health disabilities until recently through my own therapy. I have what is known as personality gaps, blind spots in my comprehension of personal dynamics. At times the gaps can lead to being judged harshly without people understanding my internal challenges. This is why I embrace transparency, creativity and collaboration. Musical composition has become a key source of healing, along with other new avenues of resiliency. I'm bravely trying to reconnect with my musical spirit in the aftermath of my recent trauma.
 

​Channeling Trauma into Composing Music

In April 2019, I channeled the trauma I was experiencing to new resolutions of growth and changes. I wanted to produce something significant and meaningful from my musical passions. I needed to rise above the belligerent judgements and gaslighting. I began playing with composing software for vocal arrangements, an area of music I was most familiar with from my singing. I am humble to state, I came to composing that April with no musical credentials, degrees, or accolades and some dim memories of a couple semesters of music theory from almost 50 years ago at Lehigh University. Writing scores was completely new to me. But I started to learn how to harness the river of musical thoughts inside me. With composing, I finally have a lake to for this river to flow into. Working with the software to create music became intuitive immediately.
 

​Meeting John Muehleisen

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During my trauma laden times from 2019 to 2021, my continued association with Kirkland Choral Society (KCS) (https://www.kirklandchoralsociety.org) of Washington became a lifeline. I have been a part of this group under the direction of Dr. Glenn Gregg for over 20 years now. Over the years, l had been an occasional soloist, tenor section lead, and audition coordinator for Kirkland Choral. Glenn was aware of my growing efforts to compose. During an October 2019 concert, Glenn introduced me to his friend and professional composer, John Muehleisen (https://johnmuehleisen.com/). Kirkland Choral was slated to perform works written by John later that spring.

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​By the time the spring concert rolled around I was well into writing new music and cover arrangements for this fledgling vocal group I was developing. A musical thought came to me on Valentine’s Day 2020. By the next week this thought developed into a rough draft of a 108-bar song called Driving Around and Round Again. Kirkland Choral’s spring concert featured John Muehleisen’s commission of the premier performance of The Gathering along with Love Is, another work recently premiered before our concert. After the Sunday show, John and his wife, Lynn, were nice to attend our concert afterparty. I was able to get John and Lynn to listen to this early draft of my Driving Around and Round Again. Although the song had some rough edges, they both loved it. John mentioned the possibility of studying composition with him. It was a very special evening for me, meeting John and Lynn with hopes of the opportunity to study with John would materialize. Then the COVID-19 pandemic happened and singing pretty much shut down to a standstill.

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​I continued to write new songs and three months later, was able to connect with John online and began studying with him. Since then, we’ve been meeting almost every week. I’m finally getting some of the education and opportunity that I’ve dreamed about since my teenage years. John is a special teacher and essential to helping me fulfill a lifelong dream.

 

Alphasongs 1.0

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In 2023, I created Alphasongs LLC and the www.Alphasongs.net website introducing my first ten original songs to the public. I became a member of ASCAP.  My initial release caught some attention even though I refrained from marketing efforts. I was employed as a data engineer up until May 2024 and felt I was not ready to fully promote my music during my employment. It was an eye opener to establish a web presence which is an absolute necessity to pursue composing in a professional way.

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Much of the online attention was transactional schemes and scams. Some promoted promises of music exposure, many others promoted personal body exposure and transactional intimacy. A lot of scams, but there were some genuine people showing appreciation. I do have feelings for those appreciating my music. I truly want to be gracious to fans. But I’m humbled to say that I found deep personal vulnerability associated with becoming more public with my music and I faced many temptations. Learning to manage this vulnerability has been a process. I seek authentic interactions only. I can’t get near anything close to transactional relationship. My past circumstances create suspicions of intimacy as I remain as celibate as I have been for the last 20 years. In the last several months becoming separated in a divorce, I’ve had no dates, house guests or personal interactions other than some online communications most of which were transactional in nature and rejected, non-authentic and distracting to my primary purpose to compose my music. So many temptations, but all that really matters to me is this miracle of becoming a composer and music publisher in the last few years. I’ve been a recluse and super focused on my musical composing efforts. So, it’s been a bit lonely, and I’ve not stayed in touch with some good friends. Now’s a good time to reverse the process.

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My therapy helped me to learn about establishing boundaries and becoming self-aware of my own needs, values and feelings. I am trying to learn principles of non-violent communication as taught by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. I know my past complex trauma is rooted in too much violent communication and verbal combat from my closest family relationships and from an early age. The excessive servitude and bullying I endured while raising and taking care of my parents left deep scars, I’m only becoming aware of now. Disabilities that are completely invisible to others and that I only became aware of in the last few years. Sometimes I’m amazed I survived my professional career as a data engineer. Having to manage complex-PTSD in my life is deeply challenging and emotional. I have been inundated with too much belligerent judgement, negative bias and verbal combat in my life that I’m truly poorly equipped to handle without breakdown and now understand a deep need to establish a boundary of no violent communication and a strong need to understand how to practice non-violent communication along with the no transactional relationship boundary.

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I did have a special connection coming from the Alphasongs 1.0 launch in meeting Kai Cofer and gaining the opportunity to compose one of his musical plays. I’m proud to introduce you to our first eight songs from the play as I re-launch, Kai is a great guy, and I have enjoyed working with him to the point where I now know I will be continuing to compose music with Kai. Finishing the next twelve songs of “The Process” is a top priority as this current website relaunch (Alphasongs 2.0) is now done.

 

Difficulties

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Unfortunately, this last year has been another episode of complex trauma in my life. After I launched Alphasongs 1.0 last year, I have made a couple connections online that seemed sincere and very possible as contributors to help Alphasongs LLC efforts, but these connections became complicated. I was not prepared for some of the attention I was getting when the website came out. Figuring out ways to flesh out people’s true intentions, being observational and not rushing to judgement is a process that takes time with balancing the desire to be gracious and connect genuinely to people connecting with my music.

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I definitely got caught up in a couple of these connections and was judged harshly for yielding to my vulnerabilities in those conversations. The vulnerability of searching for love is strong when love is missing. I was truly searching for positive connections for Alphasongs, but I was still trying to figure out boundaries.  When one online connection became transactional is added enough friction to end my 30-year marriage. But the divorce was only one challenge. Complex trauma comes from that plus figuring out a new living situation, moving, managing my transition to retire from my data engineering career. Even though my therapy demanded I disconnect from my mother which happened a couple years back, she passed away this last fall which was just another thing. Through it all, my music and composing these songs had been a lifeboat.

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In fact, this release, Alphasongs 2.0 is a significant year-long effort to share my dream of becoming a legitimate professional composer and overcoming the trauma of ever being disconnected from my music ever again. I seek emotional support for my efforts towards this dream which provides my life a legacy and a sense of purpose in my closest relationships.  Thanks for your time reading my story.