Midweek Reflections

Over this past year, I've gained a better sense of self. It's been a very difficult and somewhat lonely year for me and I won't be out of the woods for several weeks. But I know more than anything that I can never separate or be separated from my musical passions and endeavors. The desires of significant others in my life, to diminish or tone down my desires to pursue these dreams was a source of very deep trauma along with many other vectors of trauma in my life, most significantly in the form of very violent communication directed at me rooted in contempt and biased self-interest. In the last five years, I became aware that I was conditioned to disregard my childhood abuse most of my life with a diagnosis of Childhood Narcissistic Abuse. I became aware of what a narcissist is and how a narcissist uses Karpman drama triangulation to gain enablers and scapegoat their challengers. I've become aware that I will continue to have a challenge with Complex-PTSD. I am being seriously scapegoated in my current divorce and can only completely separate myself from my former wife and children because of how hostile they are to me from biased perceptions and judgements. At this time, I simply have no family that has showed me any love in decades. So I do feel alone.

What gets shattered with these conditions of C-PTSD is a sense of self. You have personality gaps. You have behavioral triggers that arise as defense mechanisms of abuse. Being interrupted, stifled or threatened is extremely triggering to me because it was central to my complex trauma episodes which I have had through my childhood and a few times since then. I have had two family members give me death threats which permanently breaks my heart. And all of this is invisible to people. Telling my story and composing music is part of my healing from narcissistic abuse. Another key element of my healing is learning to establish clear boundaries. I wanted to mention these publicly, so those who I meet have a clear understanding. One boundary is no transactional relationships outside of my music endeavor. No conversations about any monetary transactions with me, period. The second boundary is no violent communications. I am trying to learn and practice non-violent communication and continue to review teachings by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and others. I now realize that until my therapy five years ago, I had no idea how there was so many forms of violent communication that was pervasive in my families and now realize how infested my communication may have been with all the negative influence. This current quiet period is helping me to sort things out.

But new boundary that is very important to me now is that I will not have a close relationship with anyone who doesn't take time to appreciate what I share with you on this website. It's been great work to compose this music. I cannot be close to anyone who does not emotionally support my composing endeavor. I have no family or friends really showing this support, but I will find my family. I'll find love.

Enjoy www.Alphasongs.net