Morning Thoughts

I'm still in the middle of an unforeseen pause for another 3-4 weeks. Some of you know that I took a brief vacation to celebrate the publishing of this website, but also it was a originally a time at the conclusion of a difficult personal matter, a divorce that is now delayed in its settlement. I have also successfully retired from my career as a data engineer this year and very much ready to pursue my life's final endeavor as a compose music.

One of my central thoughts this morning is an awareness I gained through my years of therapy about behavioral regulation, triggers and the divergence between constructive and combative communication. I have gained understanding about my own communication by gaining conceptual understanding about what is violent communication is and understanding how being a constant recipient of disregard, belligerent judgement, shame and violent communication both in my childhood and in more recent times has been an insidious source of damaging trauma. There are difficult wounds, both mental and physical. I have behavioral triggers from my traumas that are difficult to manage sometimes. This is my Complex PTSD struggle.

The new frame of reference coming from the therapy is that the verbal violence and very inappropriate demands for my shame were abusive and the true source of this abuse was narcissistic rage resulting from true lack of compassion from my parents and supposedly close family in both childhood and recent times. I'm told I'm loved but I really don't know what being shown love can be, I have had too many toxic people in my life, but I was conditioned to accept the toxic nature of family members abusing me. I am so weary of verbal combat and violent communication and now demand that as a boundary in personal relationships. No violent communication is absolutely necessary for me to heal. Please respect this boundary. Thank you