Shellshocked

This feeling of being shellshocked is something I have some familiarity with. Trauma can have significant impact to areas of your life. Trauma can be sudden or short lived, but it can also be persistent and environmental. Although much of what has happened this last week in the world’s economy seems very sudden and adverse to most of us, I think the economic situation is unfortunately persistent and environmental.

In the last five years of mental health therapy, it has been a process to study and understand the diagnoses I have received. It is a necessary and continuing process. Four years ago, I received a diagnosis of Childhood Narcissistic Abuse. The therapy process involved reliving a long period of my formative years much of which I was constantly conditioned to forget, not knowing I was going through life with one arm tied behind my back.

Five years ago in spring of 2019, I experienced circumstances in the family I grew up with and a performing group that involved being threatened. One or two people in those groups making threats to me and others being exclusionary, judgmental and supportive of the bullying by minimizing the threats made to me. I had to make a most difficult decision to leave these groups because I recognized their toxic group dynamic would yield further damaging results to my well-being. That was a feeling of being shellshocked.By the end of 2021, I had been given a PTSD diagnosis by the first of three psychiatrists I’ve had for medication management. That is the “official” diagnosis, but the real diagnosis is Complex PTSD which stems from persistent, environmental trauma. In my childhood, I was my father’s LPN and my mother’s houseboy with domestic responsibilities well beyond what was appropriate for my age. Because of my other diagnosis of Childhood Narcissistic Abuse, it became very necessary for me to understand what narcissistic behavior was. Several years ago, I really had no idea what a narcissist was.

Through my therapy, research and self-care, I have had to develop true awareness and understanding of narcissist behavior because of my diagnosis and vulnerabilities. My therapist often mentioned how It is likely one can have recurrences of bad circumstances in the absence of psychologically understanding those circumstances. I’m pretty sure the shellshocked feeling we all feel from the recent news will be around for a while because narcissistic behavior components driving these events are persistent. I’m absolutely not qualified to diagnose someone to have narcissistic personality disorder but understanding narcissistic behavior is something essential in my own therapy to understand the narcissistic abuse I have experienced way too often in my own life.

I have delved into the “scourge” of narcissism a few times in this blog, but I see parallels in the news this week and my life’s experience. I am still in therapy and active in my trauma healing. I was recently given one more mental health diagnosis in addition to C-PTSD and Narcissistic Abuse. I am now diagnosed with adjustment disorder which is in a word is being shellshocked. Circumstances behind this are complex. I never chose to be traumatized in my life and the effects of the damage is largely invisible to others unless I speak out.

One narcissistic behavior between the news and my own life experience is the narcissist’s needing to be in control. The appeal of tariffs in our leadership is very much about introducing a new lever of control in our relationships. Whether its relationships between nations or relationships in your own life, the need to be in control is very much a narcissistic behavior. I’m always uncomfortable being around controlling people. I think this same discomfort is happening toward the controlling government. The current news is giving more of us that same feeling of being shellshocked that I’m too well familiar with in my own life.